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When the mask falls

The twin flame process leads each flame of the couple to work on their flaws.

The runner has a characteristic of having a very developed false-self*. They have hidden their true personality behind a mask. Very often, the runner has numerous acquaintances, but their relations are superficial. 

In this article, I am going to recount the way this mask fell regarding the fondling that took place during my early childhood. The meeting with my twin trigger it to all come back to the surface. I am actually going to write a book on this topic to recount and help other people. 

I met my twin flame in September 2013. At the time we met professionally and it wasn’t love at first site. To be honest I don’t even remember the first meeting. But at the time I had like a “engine” inside me that pushed me into undertaking things that I thought out of my reach. 

At the same time of these positive projects, I started to have some kind of flashes that used to come up in a very insistent way. As I am a medium, I associated them as psychic flash. I was quite surprised as I don’t usually get uncontrollable flashes. Unless in a situation of immediate and vital danger, I do not get flash as I control them well.

 

In fact, these flashes had the characteristic of making me re-live scenes. I could feel the sensations, my distress, my anguish and the shame, however, I could not hear the sounds and I could not see the person. I talked about it with my councillor who told me that they were most probably traumatic memories linked to a violent encounter in my childhood. 

If you want to know more about this topic, I can recommend this book : ……..> It helped me a lot in my journey.

 

Then, I forgot again until yesterday…

In the afternoon, after a meditation, I remembered everything that I had already recalled in 2013-14, then other memories came up all of a sudden.

By chance, as those memories came back, I was talking to a friend of mine who I’ve known since childhood and in whom I have total trust. (Synchronicity??)

I therefore told her everything that came up to me. The poor girl! I had no filter as those memories were coming from all sides. I understood then that the person who actually abused me was my own mother. I already knew that she was a toxic mother. I had accepted it and absorbed it. She is a person who wants to be the centre of the attention and for whom her children are part of her. She has all the characteristics of a narcissistic pervert. This word is fashionable but unfortunately for me it is a reality. I have already worked a lot on myself with the help of psychologists, spirituality, meditation and readings on being the child of a narcissist pervert.  

 

Today, I have to face this incest situation. Since yesterday, my brain is like a switch. 

I forget,

I remember it,

I forget,

I remember it…

The song “Brisé », « Broken » by Maitre Gims is my bedtime book at the moment.

 

Once again, I had to disappear

Sometimes I love you, sometimes I hate you

It goes without saying that I gave it my whole

I gave everything, just like you

Your tears run down my shoulders

I understood everything without a word

Stop turning people against me 

It’s hard to see in the dark

 

I told you, you have that smile

In the corner of your mouth when you lie

You thought you’d get away

My false-self has still a lot of work to do to deal with this issue…

What are the consequences on my actual personality and behaviour?

My mother’s reactions towards me were always linked to her transgressions.

The jigsaw is taking shape,

Intellectually, I understand

Now I need to accept to stop being in denial

The twin flame journey is everything but romantic!

 

Maryam Yan 20 May 2019

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