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I love you more than anything but...

Love letter to my chaser:

 

What a story…….. my dear love. Something tremendous, extraordinary, divine, gentle, powerful and intense is happening to us. 

I didn’t realise at first, that’s the least we could say. Straight from the start, I felt at ease with you. This is clear, not a loving feeling, but rather gentle tenderness. For instance, I would let you enter my social distance, even though I am quite an introvert. On top of that, you are the type of man that I am not usually attracted to. The kind I normally runaway from…

 

You are married, probably not a good match, even though you will not admit it. Numerous signs that you let slip out clearly prove it. For instance, the year we met, you told me a dozen time: “marriage is a commitment” as if you were trying to convince yourself. That really surprised me that you kept telling me that as we were just colleagues. I used to automatically reply “I will never get married again” In insight, this surreal dialogue amuses me a lot, as in fact, you already had had the clear vision of our marriage when I had not at all. You are fighting and trying to control this evolution while I slowly wake up at snail pace. Now, I know that our mission is to get married (but I struggle to accept it) in order to unite our religions and that way contribute in helping humanity along a little.

In January 2014, at about 10am as I was on the phone for a job interview, I suddenly felt a terrible stress in my solar plexus. I could barely breath. At the time, I associated this to the fact that my job stability was at stake. This discomfort lasted way beyond securing this job. I understood during autumn 2016 that it was about you; your fear of losing me. The feeling of your panic leads me towards you against my will, because I love you and I cannot stand to see you in pain. 

Maryam, 7th December 2017

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